Trusting Him who holds us

I didn't realize how long my last post was until I posted it. Wow-I don't think I'll be able to write that much again for a while. I just sat down after a long day and wanted to give an update before I relax for the weekend. Today I got to shadow more in the OR, and see around ten different surgeries, including the removal of a tumor from a minor salivary gland, several cesarian sections, and some other interesting procedures. The highlight of the day was the chance I had to actually do something that was hands-on medical. I got to put a cast on little baby girl--probably no more than four months old. She was so beautiful, but with a broken femur, and bruised pelvis. Normally the Galmi staff is very hurried in their routine. It's not rudeness, but some days the staff is hard pressed to finish the needed surgeries within the work day that is ahead of them. However, when this little baby patient entered the OR, she was such a sight to see. Most babies are moaning, and malnourished, with glazed eyes, and terrible symptoms. This baby was otherwise healthy, and vibrant, and as happy as could be. She smiled the biggest toothless grin, and half of the staff in the OR stopped writing down on their prescription sheets, and prepping IV's to come over and tickle her. Even the elderly Hausa men, who don't even flinch before tearing chunks of skin from burn victims, were completely enamored with the little girl. I had the privilege of holding her while several nurses carefully wrapped the baby's right leg in a very elaborate cast that rose to the baby's torso. The baby lost some of her smiles and laughter when the cast was being put on, but once done, she went right back to smiling. Awesome.

                   This is the her. Not wearing a smile but I think she was a little bit afraid of the paparazzi.

           It is so amazing to witness the skilled hands of a physician. To my un-trained eyes, it often seems like surgery is haphazard. Sometimes surgeries seem to require the greatest degree of delicacy and fine-tuned movement. A vein is lightly nicked by the surgeon's blade and then carefully cauterized to prevent blood flow. Layer upon layer of muscle tissue is meticulously separated to reveal and remove a tumor. Other times however, it seems like surgeries are just brute strength, and random cutting. In one cesarian section, a surgeon was literally yanking on a suture as one might pull a lawnmower chord to try and repair a ruptured uterus, while simultaneously keeping skin and muscle tissue open through the use of over a dozen or so surgical tools. I know that a surgeon has the knowledge and ability to know when to use force and when to be precise but to my untrained eyes-the difference in technique often seems random. I'm sure there is some spiritual metaphor that can be drawn from this, but I just thought this was interesting :)

A couple of months ago, my roommate, and I decided to take one or our mutual "friend-girls" out to dinner. On the way back from some great food and wonderful company, we were all asking all kinds of random get to know you questions, and this girl asked, "What fruit of the spirit do you most desire to see in your life?" That questions seems like such a simple question, but it has stuck with me for months now.  I really thought about it, and realized that if there was a spiritual fruit that was lacking in my life (one of many areas needing growth) it would be the area of faithfulness. Faithfulness is such an interesting word-at least in the English language (i have no idea about the Greek)-because to me it has so many meanings. It means to be full of faith-which in and of itself is a gift from God. However, it can also mean to be loyal, steadfast and abiding. As I think of my life, I realize more and more that God is calling me and all of us to a radical life of faithfulness. It is interesting because without faith, you will not remain faithful. If a husband loses faith in his marriage, he is not likely to remain faithful to his wife. If a man loses faith in his friend, he will not likely remain faithful to that friend in the face of adversity. The same applies to God. If we are not filled with faith in God, we will not be faithful to Him. We will neglect Him and forsake Him, both as faithless lovers and faithless friends. I know this has been the story of my life. Too often when my feelings tell me the world is coming down, my faith in the ever-loving, all-providing God gets sucked away. Very soon afterwards, my external actions mirror my internal status-I am unfaithful in my actions, my words or my thoughts. It is interesting however, because Jesus says "Abide in me." He is saying stay in me. Rest in me. Be faithful in me. Let me fill you with faith in me, so that you can stay in me, and not be faithless.

          It is also interesting because to have faith in something, in English, is almost the equivalent of trusting in something. If have faith in a bridge, then I also trust that a certain bridge will hold me. If I have faith in a friend, I trust that friend to be there for me. If I have faith in God, I trust him. Yet, you cannot trust something that you do not surrender to. I cannot trust a bridge to hold me up, unless I surrender myself to the ability of the bridge. I cannot trust a friend, unless I open myself up to that friend and give them something I can trust them with. I cannot trust a star, because there is no personal interaction between me and a star. I can trust a star to shine, but intrinsic within that trust is the possibility for that trust to be betrayed, and for the star to not shine. There is something about trust that means you must lean against that thing that you trust and risk the thing you trust giving way.

     To me this is so indicative of what God has been showing me in my life. I have been doing lots of soul searching, and talking to God, which is perhaps one of the biggest reasons why He called me to Galmi. But I realized...I have a lot of fears: I'm not giving enough, I'm not doing enough, I'm not being enough. I think I need to be the one doing things. I need to figure out my life. I need to be more spiritual. I need to love people more. I need to pursue God more. I need to surrender more. I think God just tapped me on the shoulder and asked me, "Do you trust me? Do you trust that I have your life in my hands, and that I deeply desire to give you good gifts? Do you trust my love for you? Do you trust me with your life? Do you trust me to be FAITHFUL and TRUE like I say I am? Do you trust me to make you faithful and faithful- full of faith, and abiding in me?" These questions are really penetrating. God is working change in me, whether I feel it or not, but right now is one of those beautiful moments when I can feel it. I write this because I think that there are some of you who perhaps identify with my struggles and need to hear these truths just as I do. Join me in praising the God of the universe, who delights in loving us, who holds us in His hands and who is faithful to us even to the end of the age!